


If a look could speak

by LarcaScorsa



Series: Goodbyes [2]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: End S2, F/M, Feelings, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, Not really though, Poetry, Retrospective, Silence, Sort of? - Freeform, could be read as romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:54:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28801650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarcaScorsa/pseuds/LarcaScorsa
Summary: Regarding emotions, Hardy wasn’t good with words. He would usually fumble, trip and make a fool of himself. No, he was much better remaining quiet. Hardy navigated silences with looks and glances, packing little bundles of lingering feelings and pouring them into the other’s soul. That, he was good at.Or in other words, all the things he could never say to her.(Spoilers for S1&2. OS)
Relationships: Alec Hardy & Ellie Miller, Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller
Series: Goodbyes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111649
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	If a look could speak

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is a little peculiar, since this fic was actually supposed to be a part of my previous fic _No hug allowed_. But then it grew more and more, and it just wouldn’t stop growing, eating the rest of the fic alive, breaking it in half. I had to take measures and cut it out altogether because it was not taking the direction I wanted.  
> But I liked what I had written and decided to make something out of it anyway. So here we are.
> 
> The context’s really not essential here, except for the beginning and the end, so you can just read the recap below. Or you could read _No hug allowed_.
> 
> The story is taking place in Hardy’s little blue shack at the end of S2, when they say goodbye to each other.  
>  _Recap:_ Hardy used to be a hugger; Miller’s not tactile at all. Both are astonished by the news.  
> Ellie has just suggested she didn’t know him at all, after all…

“You do know me. You just—”

His words failed him again and he found himself unable to express what he truly wanted to say. He really only knew how to speak emotions with his eyes and body. And since Ellie wouldn’t let him talk with the latter, he settled for the former, writing a whole letter in a single look.

_You met me at my lowest, when I was broken and alone. My heart was in shambles, with only tiny white pills to try and mend it back together—in vain. I had already died on my way to Broadchurch, somewhere between a river and a broken car window._

_I arrived only to find another dead child in another water-logged place._

_You met me at my lowest, with your son’s best friend lying at my feet, your due badge in my pocket and your best friend’s screams ringing in your ears. You had all the reasons in the world to hate me. And maybe—surely—you did, a little. But despite all this, you put up with me; because you had to, of course, but you did like no one had ever done before._

_You put up with me while putting me back in my place. Your honesty was baffling and refreshing. I never felt like you were disrespecting me; you annoyed me because you were so right. For weeks, you cared even though you didn’t have to. Not out of a sense of duty, but because that’s who you are. You care, even for those who don’t want you to, because you think you know better. And of course you do. You’re there for the people who need you, whether they want you around or not. You’re a lighthouse in the sea, spinning your bright smile no matter the weather._

_I…_

_I’m sorry I hated you at first._

_You were shining too bright and I was in a dark so deep; looking at you hurt too much. But soon you became the only light I had. You forbade me to sink and drown in my own sorrow, punching your way into my life. You brought me coffee or fish and chips, and you were ready to throw them in my face when I couldn’t be bothered to tell you why I couldn’t take you up on your offers. You made me tea and called me out when I didn’t reciprocate. You had this special way of caring harshly, through a layer of ferocity, as if you knew I would have been unable to take any gesture of kindness. You made it tolerable. You made everything tolerable._

_When you were there, the throbbing distress morphed into a dull ache. And you were there, always._

_When the wind turned and you had to endure your own thunderstorm, I was there too. I wish I could say it was to support you. But no, I had to be the damn soul charged with the burden of pushing you to your fall. I thought you’d drown like I had and be swallowed by massive waves of guilt until you’d disappear, and I hated myself so much for putting you through this._

_But you didn’t drown. Sure, the days turned into a permanent night for a few months. But you didn’t drown. You’re made of a much stronger stuff than me… Your light flickered, lost; your whole being shaken to its core, not knowing where to anchor itself. But eventually you found your rock again and came back. Sharper, stronger and angrier, but still you. The beacon was on again—if not as bright as before. You kept helping people out of their own shit lives, because that’s what’s keeping you grounded. That’s who you are._

_You’re an incredible person, Ellie Miller._

_Each step you take, you amaze me. Your wit, your determination, your resilience, your loyalty, intelligence and courage… You broke Sandbrook down for me and those girls. You made it your lifeboat, while it was my millstone. You claimed Beth as your friend again and hammered some sense in your son’s head. You managed a treason, a trial, a job, an investigation, a wee child and me, all at the same time. I certainly wasn’t a gift._

_But I thought, maybe, I was better than loneliness. If picking at me could help, fine, I’d suffer it willingly. I had no idea how I could help, so I used what had—sort of—worked with me: I forced my way into your life, when you didn’t want me; kept pestering you, forbidding you to ever give up, until you were completely on board. I hope it helped a little._

_We bonded over our miseries and got to know each other more than anyone else._

_Yes, I was a hugger in another life but that’s not the Hardy you’ve met. I’m sorry you couldn’t meet him. He was mostly the same—grumpy and rude most of the time—but would have cracked a smile once in a while, made snarky jokes and used to touch a lot more the people he held close to his heart. Maybe you’ll meet him one day. And maybe he’ll get to see the person with a warm sun behind their eyes that you used to be before a raincloud settled there. Maybe they’ll be great friends._

_But first, we need to tend to our wounds and mend our lives back together. And for that we need our families. Our children._

_We’ll heal. I promise._

***

The silence had stretched between them and had grown from awkward to comfortable and intimate. He suddenly understood what she’d meant when she’d asked him not to be nice to her. ‘It’s not how it works’ she’d said. She was right, it wasn’t. Because they don’t have to say anything. They know. They take one look at each other, and they know.

Shifting his weight under her gaze, he let her eyes bore into him, let her words fill his mind and revelled in her silent answer.

_Thanks._

_For letting me stay here, when I had nowhere else to go._  
_For giving me purpose and grounding me again._  
_For effectively distracting me from my shitty life._

_I’m sorry I can’t hug you now, sir. I can’t. Maybe one day—if you’re less of a knob. If I’m less of a complete mess, too. I feel like I could make an exception to the no-touching rule for you. You’re stubborn enough for that._

_Although I hope I won’t need it anymore._

_…_

_But you’ll have to come back, so that’s a fat chance._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry Ellie's part so short and blunt, but I figured she's much more confident with words spoken out loud, and wouldn't "speak" too much _like that_. It felt more like her. Plus, it wasn't really planned at first but then I wondered what she wouldn't to say to him, and this came out. It fitted well, so I kept it.
> 
> A million thanks to Hazelmist who beta-read it again!! Your enthusiasm kept me going, seriously. It probably would have taken me years to finish this otherwise. Sorry I'm so slow -_-"
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it nearly as much as I had writing it, dear reader! It was a thrill to w(e)ave the words together with the sea and lighthouse metaphors while basically writing a love letter to Ellie <3 (she entirely deserves it)


End file.
